“The black dog”

“The black dog” @ricsur https://medium.com/@ricsur/the-black-dog-22a68532a2b9

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Anxious rather than depressed 

In reading Emma Tripplet’s new book Stepping out of the clouds, and posts on a Facebook group, I realise I was not depressed but my anxieties were definitely leading towards it. 

My clear anxieties 

  • Road rage (nothing serious just swearing at other drivers behaviour) 
  • Suspicion over something my dad said to me the last time I saw him
  • Expecting the worst.(my partner to leave, losing my job, etc) 

There are many more, but between Emma and the chimp paradox I’ve worked on strategies to calm the rising anxiety. 

  1. Road rage: I now find myself not thinking what could have happened, but dismissing the drivers behaviour, 
  2. The suspicion: I have had to accept I’ll never know what my dad was gonna say
  3. Expecting the worst: I’ve been with Louise 7 years, so the likelihood is minimal, but the same as the job if it happens I’ll deal with it. 

Reading new material 

I have mentioned by genius mentor and all round Yoda, Emma Tripplet several times thru the pages of this blog. 

Well she’s written a book “stepping out of the clouds” it is simple but effective.  and her guidance has seen me beat anxiety and avoid depression. I do say avoid deliberately as having read some accounts on Facebook I don’t think I was ever actually depressed, but I was on route. 

So if you, like I did, want to avoid depression download her book, or are reading this thinking things will never change read Emma’s book 

Sense of duty 

Those jobs that are embedded in your computer, you know, without a doubt you’ve got to do, I’m my case this evening even though I’m full of a cold, Stella still needs her walk.

But then I guess that’s when you really should do it, when you don’t want too, eh Emma.  

It’s hard to motivate yourself when your just ill so I daren’t  imagine what’s it’s like if your truly depressed, which I want to be clear, I think I was approaching depression but I don’t think I was ever truly depressed.

Pop your way out of depression 

Music makes a difference, depending on my mood, doing this Ken Bruce’s years of my life stylie 

  • Pink Floyd, Comfortably numb. I’ve no real idea why I love this song, it’s such a mood song though, 
  • Queen, Who wants to live forever from the kind of magic album and the soundtrack to Highlander I feel this was Queens best work, Freddie knew he was dying, I think,  when he wrote this,  and was saying hay I’ve had a good life,  I’ve enjoyed myself. 
  • Coldplay Fix you, as I detailed in a previous post I remember when I first heard this,  only a day after I spluttering with my ex wife,  I hear this song and immediately taken back to my brothers house. 
  • Bon Jovi Lay you down a bed of roses sums how Louise makes me feel. 
  • Madness house of fun remember that first time trip to the chemistry for those 
  • Mike and the mechanics living years. Now I hear this, it makes me cry, it sums up how I feel about my dad,  and ultimately losing him
  • Hollies He ain’t heavy, first time I heard this was on Rambo3 soundtrack, and was in actual fact, based on reality. But makes me question how far would I go for those who matter to me. 

I could go on and on, but all the tunes I’d pick are “real” not born of the throw away pop that likes of the x factor generate.

  Tunes that were written and performed by artists who’s fans paid their wages. 

 

Why running works for me 

As I’ve said, when I realised I was free falling into depression, I was advised to get in touch with my old positive self, and one of the most positive things I did was running, aged 11 I ran the opening Fun Run of 6.5 miles where I grew up. I also years later dud the first Empire run 3.5 miles to raise funds for our local cinema. Joining the Raf when I was 17 I had to run, 1.5 miles in 11 minutes. And now I run because the buzz when I finish charges me up for the day ahead. 

I must stress Again,  I’m no expert but it appears that when I run,  I burn off the excess adrenaline in my system,  allowing the serotonin to boss my system. 

There was a time when I would have read a post like this and thought “yeah Bull…t” but I changed my thinking and I’ve changed my life. 

I CAN I CAN I CAN you just watch me!!!!!!!!!!

What if,  the world ends today. 

I must say im no expert, im just imparting my experiences and my route out. 

Looking back to my own slippery slope, which I feel I was able to put the brakes onto with help, the most toxic question I kept coming back to 

What if….

  • Louise leaves me
  • I lose my job 
  • Mum dies 
  • I never see my brother again  

I could go on for infinity to the title what if the world ends today

OK some of these questions are based in  reality, mum will die but I can enjoy the time I have and worry about that when it happens. 

I do see my brother, and shock, I’ve made my peace with my sister in law. 

Louise and I are strong but shit happens and that doubt came from my ex just dropping a bombshell, whilst I was trying to be a father to my then 3yr old daughter. But if  it does happen I’ll get over  it in time, but I’m not gonna let it spoil the here and now.